BACON. You either love it or you hate it. I happen to love it. If Meghan Trainor is All About That Bass, ’bout That Bass, No Treble… then I’m All About That Bacon, ’bout That Bacon, No Grizzle!
Further, what Bubba and Forest Gump did for shrimp is what I try to do for bacon.
“You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There’s bacon-kebobs, bacon creole, bacon gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple bacon, lemon bacon, coconut bacon, pepper bacon, bacon soup, bacon stew, bacon salad, bacon and potatoes, bacon burger, bacon sandwich! That- that’s about it!”
THE GREAT AMERICAN BACON RACE
I ran The Great American Bacon Race this past weekend. The 5K event was ONE-GIANT-BACON–LOVE-FEST for a bunch of hungry pigs.
The race also helped raise awareness for anti-bullying. A portion of the proceeds went to the National Voices for Equality Education and Enlightenment Charity.
Say NO to bullying. Say YES to bacon. It was right in my unpolished wheelhouse.
BACON BRINGS OUT THE UNPOLISHED FLAVOR
Who knew bacon could draw such an eclectic crowd? The starting line was filled with herds of unpolished participants dressed up for the cause. If the music hadn’t been blaring in my ears, I bet I could have heard actual snorting! The enthusiasm was high as the swarms of pig feet waited for the shotgun to go off, signifying the start of the race. The place was packed with unpolished flavor!
THE BACON STATION
Most organized races provide runners with water and/or some sort of electrolyte juice at the various mile markers for a quick recharge. The Great American Bacon Race provided bacon! In more serious events I wouldn’t think to stop for a sip (or bite) of anything after only one mile, but when there’s bacon…… Well, it was a no-brainer!
Though unconventional while running, I had to sample the bacon. Surprisingly, it was better than expected; Crisp and delicious! Unfortunately after scarfing down the strips, I managed to get a piece of the pig stuck in my throat. I coughed myself sick for the entire next mile.
RUB SOME BACON ON THAT BOOTY
In addition to hacking up a lung by the second mile, my left piriformis muscle was killlllllling me. In layman terms, due to a chronic injury I’ve had as a result of many years of running, my left ass cheek hurt like a mother-fucker which then caused irritation to my sciatic nerve. I was in so much pain by the time I got to the next bacon station that I contemplated taking the biggest piece of bacon I could find and rubbing it into the gluteal region of my lower limb! I thought perhaps the greasy, fatty meat would help lubricate my aching ass! Unpolished times call for unpolished measures!
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SMELL OF BACON
Of all the races I’ve ran in Florida, never have I seen terrain quite like this. The course was made up almost entirely of gravel, uneven pavement and steep hills. It was downright dangerous!
I had to keep my eyes grounded to watch my step, so to stay on track I relied heavily on my snout and followed the smell of the bacon!
In hindsight, I wonder if the location of this difficult route was chosen on purpose. Seriously, if somebody (God forbid) had a coronary from eating excessive amounts of bacon while running, instead of ruling it Death By Bacon, it potentially could be considered an accident by way of tripping and falling due to the extreme course conditions. To me, it was sorta ironic that there was a Dead End sign right before the finish line. That’s weird. Right?
THIS LITTLE PIGGY CROSSES THE FINISH LINE
Upon completion of the race, I was rewarded with a piece of chocolate bacon! In lieu of a medal, each participant also received a silver dog tag that had a picture of Th
e Great American Bacon Race mascot on it. Can you guess the mascot? Here’s a hint: OINK!
BAKIN’ BACON?
When I saw all the bacon-themed food trucks, it helped to distract myself away from the shooting pain in my lower back. Bacon Brownies. Bacon Rice Krispy Treats. Bacon Ice Cream. Candied Bacon. Vintage Bacon. Leggo My Bacon Sandwiches.
There was so much bacon I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t try everything and I can’t say that I loved everything I did try but I can say just being around that much bacon shifted the pain from my ass and backache to that of a stomachache for the remainder of the day!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… I’m glad I did the race and I’m happy to have helped support a cause as important as anti-bullying. However……… Sometimes you gotta know when it’s time to back off. I’m not bailing on bacon for good, but I do need a break from the bacon overload! Too much of anything can be a bad thing, so I’ve decided to ban myself from the pig for a while. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Doesn’t it? Or in this unpolished case, I guess if [the bacon] doesn’t kill your heart first, it makes it grow fonder! For now, I think I’ll stick to wearing the bacon on my shirt instead of wearing the bacon on my ass!
