So we were having dinner with close friends who were expecting their first child. All was right in the world as we ordered our drinks and threw in a request for Houston’s famous spinach and artichoke dip. We raised up three alcoholic beverages and one glass of water as we toasted to the future baby on board who would be arriving in six more weeks.
Just as I was grabbing a spoon to do the honors of breaking the seal on the piping hot spinach dip, another seal suddenly broke. A tidal wave of amniotic fluid was now all over the banquette booth we were sitting in and of course it was all over the floor.
Cue the Unpolished Pandemonium…..
In an instant both The-Sooner-Than-Expected-Daddy-To-Be AND my husband morphed into a crazy hybrid version of the Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote from the Bugs Bunny cartoons mixed with a splash of Doc and Dopey, two of Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs. Just picture it:
“BEEP BEEP! Duh… Which way do we go? Which way do we go? Duh… BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! What do we do? Uhhh, Duh…. I’ll call an ambulance! BEEP BEEP!”
Though the bags weren’t packed; the hair wasn’t blown; and the vag wasn’t waxed, The-Sooner-Than-Expected-Mommy-To-Be remained remarkably calm.
I, on the other hand began focusing my attention on a bigger, unpolished problem rather than on the fact that a little peanut was about to born! “Fuck! So I guess this means we’re not having the spinach dip? I’m starved; but holy shit! Your water just broke everywhere…. THE BABY IS COMING TONIGHT!”
Fast forward almost twelve years later, that story never gets old. The little Preemie Peanut has turned into a perfectly polished tween princess!
I purposely chose to tell you this tale now because timing is everything! The moral of this unpolished story is nobody likes to be blind-sighted! We must PLAN ahead. We must be PROACTIVE. We must PREPARE for the inevitable pandemonium that
could will occur upon the REENTRY of our very own unpolished peanuts as they head back home after being away for seven short long weeks.
Ten Tips To Prepare For THE UNPOLISHED REENTRY
TIP # 1: Reacquaint Yourself With The Appliances– Don’t expect to get a warm greeting from your machines if you’ve been giving them the cold shoulder all summer. You better start making nice to them now or they might retaliate by going on strike when you need them most. Can you imagine if your washer/dryer holds a grudge and purposely quits the second your filthy kids arrive home? Don’t let that happen! Do a test load or two NOWWW and be sure to pour in an extra scoop of love and affection with your fabric softener!
TIP # 2: Practice Being Ignored- It’s fun when you’re the one doing the ignoring as evidenced by how great it felt to completely blow off the washer, dryer and dishwasher for the entire summer. However, we all know when the tables turn, it’s quite another story! In an effort to avoid getting royally pissed off every time you ask your kids to do something because it will seem as if you’re talking to a fucking wall, we must first practice being ignored. Might I suggest finding an actual wall. Once you find this wall, begin talking to it. Keep talking to the wall. Repeatedly. Ask many questions and wait for a reply. When the only thing you hear in response to your questions are crickets, you will then be better prepared for the same silence you’ll get after asking your children a question.
TIP #3: STOCK UP ON SUCRETS– Once you realize that TIP #2 will only work for about thirty seconds, you’re gonna have to stock up on Sucrets or whatever other lozenges will soothe the sore throat you will inevitably get once all the screaming starts up again. The pipe dream of having a stress-free, yell-free zone within the four walls of my unpolished household is a lovely dream indeed, but it’s not realistic. Plan ahead people! Stock up on those suckers now!
TIP #4: WE GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS- Look, if you can consistently maintain a peaceful living space with a bunch of raving lunatics all living under the same roof by solely relying on the merits of your intuitive third eye and/or having the patience of a Saint I applaud you. (I don’t believe you, but I applaud you nonetheless.) For some of us, we get by with a little help from our friends. Those friends come in the form of cute, little, orange, plastic bottles which contain 10mg of this or 10mg of that! To properly prepare for REENTRY, pick your poison and refill those prescriptions PRONTO!
TIP #5: LAST CALL FOR ALCOHOL- Hold on. Let me clarify; just because the kids are coming home doesn’t mean you have to turn your
frat house back into a dry campus. However, you might want to consider adding some solid food to what has accurately been renamed the liquid fridge. Further, it might not be a bad idea to move any unopened white wine and beer back into its rightful home: the overflow garage fridge. Let’s face it, you’re gonna need to make room for actual food in your main refrigerator so that the kids can open and close the doors forty-two times a day until the lightbulb burns out and you have to start screaming “SHUT THE FRIDGE.” That’s when the Sucrets will come in handy!
TIP #6: GET RID OF THE BONGS AND PUT BACK THE BUDDHAS- Don’t shoot the messenger folks but the party’s just about over. Either finish up your stash that’s been freely lying around on the counters and the kitchen table or put it back in the secret hiding spot you’re certain the kids will never find. While the bong made for a nice centerpiece in my transitional dining room, it’s time to bury it. Once the bong is buried, whip out the Buddha and place ’em back where he belongs!
TIP #7: BRUSH UP ON YOUR WHIP AND NAE NAE- Speaking of whip, it seems the song Watch Me Whip / Nae Nae by Silentó has taken the summer by storm. With the boys away, I had no idea that this hit also came with a choreographed dance routine. It wasn’t until I saw my friend’s three children perform it for me in unison that I knew I was behind the eight ball. Low and behold a few weeks later I received a video from Camp which featured clips of the entire Brotherhood whipping and nae nae-ing! I have exactly four days to perfect my moves relative to the whip and nae nae if I want any shot at keeping up with my kids!
TIP #8: BETWEEN THE SHEETS SHENANIGANS- Hickory Dickory Doc. It’s The Last Week With No Cock Block…. You catch my drift? Seize the moment because once those nosy, busybodies get home and overthrow your kingdom rest assured your body won’t be as busy as it’s been this summer! So whether it’s morning, mid-day or midnight get it in now while you still can. And by get it in, I mean get IT in. Pun unpolishedly intended.
TIP #9: PREPARE FOR THE UNPOLISHED PROFANITY- I can only imagine what those potty mouths have picked up in those bunks! My guess? It’s been as dirty as the towels they’ve been using! I’m not really sure how we as parents can prep for the profanity other than to be aware it’s coming. If the car ride home last summer after only sending one kid away is any indication of what’s to come this year after sending both kids away, I’m expecting the two of ’em will be unpolishedly swearing like sailors!
TIP #10: WRAP UP YOUR TV BINGE AND PREPARE TO COME UP FOR AIR– It’s safe to say I’ve watched more television this summer than just about anyone I know. I should be ashamed of myself but because I’m unpolished, I’m undeniably quite proud! You name the show, I’ve
DEFINITELY BINGED WATCHED THE ENTIRE SERIES FOR THIRTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT most likely watched a few episodes. I pulled the car over the other day just so I could read and then quickly reply to an email I received about the finale of UnREAL. For all my TV junkies out there, our kids are coming home in approximately ninety-six episodes hours so we must unchain ourselves from the couch, get a grip and come back to reality! No, not Reality TV; just plain, old reality! In an effort to avoid the torture associated with quitting cold turkey, we must agree to come up for air NOW while there’s still time to effectively detox!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW….This post will officially mark the end of my 2015 Summer of Silver. It’s been a season I won’t soon forget for a zillion unpolished reasons. That said, we now say goodbye to the silence and prepare to say hello to the hysteria. Time moves quickly whether we want it to or not so there’s one more thing you must be prepared for:
Forty-seven days ago we might have dropped off our munchkins at the bus stop or the airport or drove them up the actual dirt road which leads directly to what has become their home away from home; but I can assure you when we pick them up this week things will be different. Our kids will be taller and stronger and tanner and maybe a bit skinnier than they once were. They will be more confident and more well-rounded. They will be better swimmers and athletes. They will have learned new tools to better equip themselves when faced with conflict and these new tools will aid them in getting along with others. They will be team players. They’ll have open minds and open hearts and exuding good sportsmanship will be second nature. Their skill sets as it relates to leadership and camaraderie will unquestionably be more refined than when they first left. They’ll have more spirit and energy even if at first sight they look fairly disheveled and in need of a good haircut! They will also have laid the groundwork for friendships which potentially will last a lifetime. And yet……no matter how much they’ve grown over the past seven weeks in a physical or emotional or spiritual capacity they will ALWAYS in ALL WAYS be our beloved unpolished babies! We will wholeheartedly welcome them home with hugs and kisses and arms wide spread and once again all will be right in our unpolished worlds. All will be right because our babies will finally be home…. which is exactly where they now belong! It’s time. We’ve unpolishedly prepared for the REENTRY.
Summer of Silver… OVER AND OUT!