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Welcome To My Online [Unpolished] MASTERCLASS: A Five Part Series To Owning Your Quarantine Insanity

photo credit: www.masterclass.com

Hi I’m Silver; from Silver Unpolished and welcome to my online Masterclass. I don’t know about you, but the last ten weeks has turned my once unpolished yet manageable life into an entirely new level of what-the-fuckedness. Simply put: I’ve completely lost my mind and I’m admitting it. While having recognized the stages of sound rationale being thrown out the window over the hours that feel like days and the days that feel like weeks and the weeks that frankly have felt more like years than the combined months of March, April and May, I have continually thought to myself, How can I possibly be the only one who’s totally lost it? There must be others out there. And if there are, why not come clean and own our insanity? If Ron Howard can teach a class on how to be a world renowned movie director and Anna Wintour can teach a class on how to be a British bitch boss editor-in-chief of a legendary fashion bible and Annie Liebovitz can teach a class on how to be the greatest photographer of all time, why shouldn’t I be able to teach an unpolished Masterclass on accepting the truths of the mental derangement this quarantine has yielded?

Thus, I Give You My Five Part Masterclass Series To Owning Your Quarantine Insanity:

In my online course you will learn how to own your quarantine insanity by admitting you’ve gone bat shit crazy.  Step by step I will guide you through the ups and downs of quarantine mental illness. My hope is that I will initially lift your spirits so high you will have no choice but to be empowered enough to recognize the strengths that lie within your soul which will reignite the spark needed to once again find your purpose and passion all the while stuck in the confines of the four walls of your prison home. Once you’ve realized the revival of excitement you’ve fueled is for naught, you’ll then make your way back under the covers; a safe oasis for having an anxiety attack. The process of highs and lows will repeat from there and rest assured the insanity will grow exponentially. The good news however, by the end of my five part series you undoubtedly will own the fact that you are certifiably insane. You will have learned the tools necessary and will have honed the skills required to beat your chest proudly as your voice loudly echos the phrase, “I am a sociopath.” 

Part One will begin by my Brené Brown-ing your ass into believing all the possibilities of hope and resolve are limitless and you’ll start to immediately emerge a new positive outlook. Your mind frame will shift to that of an “I can and an I will” attitude. You’ll be so revved up with optimism which will naturally hightail your head space to jovial thoughts such as:

  • Of course the scientists have this virus under control.
  • Of course a vaccine is on the way.
  • Of course I am going to get Torch’d by Isaac Boots at 11am everyday on Instagram
    photo credit: www.instagram.com/isaacboots

    These phrases will allude your mind into a rebirth making room for the even higher energy and increased positivity needed to believe that:

  • Of course there will be camp this summer [because]
  • Of course Jay Jacobs has enough chloroquine bug juice and test kits to protect our children.
  • Of course. Obviously. Of course. Get the trunks out. Let’s start packing!

Just at the point when I’ve got you feeling as if you’ve taken back some semblance of control, I will then launch Part Two of the series. We’ll waste no time as we jump right in with a complete paradox to Part One. I will aggressively throw gently guide you down the rabbit hole of doom and gloom as we explore the notion we’re not one iota closer to a solution than we were three months ago. Included in Part Two will be segments where we’ll tap into types of mental anguish previously suffered using role models in our modern day society as examples. Their personal experiences about how darkness suffocated their beings will be the bridge to exploring and identifying what stage of paranoia the spread of Coronavirus has brought us to. We’ll begin to second guess our judgement on even the simplest of questions such as:

  • Why do some people call it Covid-19 and others Coronavirus?
  • Isn’t it the same disease or wait, maybe it’s not?
  • You’ll begin to ponder the notion that back in March, Dr. Birx’s vast designer scarf collection was pretty impressive but now you’ll start to wonder differently. Is it normal or utterly absurd to wear a scarf every single day? 
  •   You’ll go on to ask: Am I insane or shouldn’t she mix it up a bit?  Why is she so one-noted?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               We will conclude Part Two with a show of hands of those whom can relate to the onset of insanity by way of eating and drinking themselves into such pathetic pandemonium this vertical spiral South to Satan’s secret garden can no longer be unspun. If time allows, I will consider sharing with the group what it’s been like to sign on to not only one but two Google Meetings to attend virtual funerals at exactly the same time. Clearly the deceased waits for no one. The dead doesn’t care about coordinating schedules.

As quickly as we went down the rabbit hole in Part Two, Part Three will have you scurrying out to catch a breeze of euphoria in a lickity split. No need for a ventilator, Part Three of my Masterclass series will find you breathing easy as we circle back to a Tony Robbins way of life I like to call Conscious Unpolished Obliviousness. We will think like Oprah and “Win Free” with patterns of healthy cognitive behaviors as we challenge ourselves to dig deep. It’s all about reinvention [again.] My commitment to you in Part Three is to be that of equal partner. I’ll personally wake you up each morning and we will salute the Sun with some yoga poses in our garages. We’ll thank the Universe for the gift of a new day and the bright horizon ahead. And speaking of gifts, Part Three will cover the ins and outs of late night online shopping as a way to fulfill our need for instant gratification that has otherwise been unmet due to quarantine. Then together, we’ll put on our sneakers and wrist weights and go outside for a socially distant but walk nonetheless. I’ll teach you that the word ‘good‘ in ‘good morning’ is redundant when passing a stranger on the sidewalk because the ‘good’ is already implied since you found the courage to get up and lace up! Just enthusiastically saying “morning” as you exercise on by is enough! Those who are looking for extra credit will have the opportunity to learn the chin tilt or my patent pending ‘flick of the fingers hand motion’ as a bonus feature with the hello greeting. Those additional methods are optional but I strongly encourage students to give it a try.

Please note: Part Four of the Masterclass series is incredibly rigorous and discretion is advised. In order to begin Part Four you will have to take a quick online exam showing you’ve satisfactorily absorbed the materials in Parts One throughThree. In order to properly assess levels of insanity, the grading will not be Pass/Fail; rather instead I have implemented a curve on a sliding scale. Upon successful completion of the midterm exam, students may then move on to Part Four.

Part Four, as mentioned above is grueling; highly sociopathic. We must teach the mind to erase all the enthusiasm we just programmed it to believe. We must now strip ourselves of being the beacons of hope we once were only Part Three ago. Part Four takes a major unpolished turn down the winding road of uncertainty and limbo. We will linger at the intersection of political propaganda and media mayhem unsure of which direction to turn. Part Four dives deeply into twisting your once clear headed cranium into delusions of grandeur as we study clips from controversial documentaries such as Out Of Shadows, Plandemic and Project Looking Glass. Part Four of my Masterclass series is in fact designed to bare our naked flesh as we free fall into the realm of losing faith in the goodness of what we once thought our world to be. Discussions about [The Great Awakening]  QAnon, a far-right conspiracy theory detailing a supposed secret plot against the current administration will blow your [already-on-track-to-be-deemed-insane] mind. The course curriculum continues spinning toward a path of no return and has the potential to launch students into a state of mental disarray unable to decipher the days of the week while the theme song to Ice Castles plays in the background as summer camps one by one post heartbreaking videos of their cancellations. Masks will be mandatory for this part of the series so students become familiar with the arduous breathing associated with wearing these protective measures. Goggles will be provided for those who don’t already wear glasses to fully experience the hysterical blindness effect when the lenses immediately fog up. Part Four will also tackle ways to move into a heightened space of craziness having lost all sense of humor because you’ve been unleashed into the underworld of zero dark thirty please make it stop due to the nonsensical imbeciles looping on Tik-Tok. At the end of Part Four, inertia will have set in and you’ll be just about ready to own your insanity.

We will then shuffle to the final phase of the Masterclass series. Part Five will focus on taking responsibility for our high levels of insanity and practicing acceptance. While this is the hardest part of the series it is in fact the most valuable when mastered. We will identify safe words and non verbal cues which can be used to signal a total eclipse of the heart mental derailment to those living under the same roof. These tools will be critical in helping others save you as your unraveled mind robotically pours six bloody Mary’s before 9am as your mission appropriately titled, Operation Rooftop is well underway. Upon completion of Part Five, the series will conclude with a virtual graduation ceremony where all participants will be required to wear unpolished straightjackets which were sent to the address of record in your packets upon initial course enrollment. Along with your diploma certificate students will also receive a bottle of tequila and a do-it-yourself kit to construct your very own padded room.  

photo credit: www.amazon.com

I truly look forward to being your instructor and helping you take ownership of your insanity as we work together to unlock how crazy you really have become. 

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW….Space is limited so reserve your spot now.

 

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7 responses to “Welcome To My Online [Unpolished] MASTERCLASS: A Five Part Series To Owning Your Quarantine Insanity

  1. I want in. Please put me in the online lecture hall with Stephanie, preferably having her Zoom frame next to mine.

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