What is it about this sentence that immediately makes my blood pressure go up? What is it about this seemingly simple ask that instantaneously triggers a visceral reaction much like nails on a chalkboard or the incessant annoyance that creeps in the second I hear landscapers turn on that damn leaf blower. “Dude, you’ve been in the same spot forever. We’re good. Can you please turn that thing off. I can’t hear myself think.”
As parents we encourage our kids to seek knowledge. We push them to be inquisitive so their little minds devour information and absorb it like sponges. We hammer in the notion there are no stupid questions other than the ones not asked and we take pride in teaching them life lessons big and small by answering these inquiries to the best of our [unpolished] ability.
But sometimes there’s a question no matter how many times I’ve explained it or taught by example or have practically spoon fed it to them [no pun intended] the question still gets asked over and over and over and over.
How many times can I hear Mom, Can You Make Me Something To Eat before I completely lose my mind? Didn’t I just make you something to eat? Didn’t I just fulfill the order you placed for breakfast, snack, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, snack, second lunch, snack, dinner, snack, second dinner and snack?
So while I still stand by the fact there are no stupid questions, there are indeed annoying questions. Topping the charts of annoying questions in the last ten months is none other than Mom, Can You Make Me Something To Eat?
So, here’s my [unpolished] answer:
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… NO! I can not make you something to eat. I can not make you something to eat because I can no longer stand making you something to eat. You’ve completely wrecked the pleasure I once had of making you something to eat, which is a shame because as a Mother and a Jewish Mother to boot, it brings me much joy to express my love by way of your stomach but that joy has now been compromised.
I suspect the increased amount of time we’ve all been cooped up in the house is partly to blame for the enhanced eating requests but enough is finally enough. If you want something to eat you’re gonna have to make it yourself so here’s what’s gonna happen on a go forward. I’d like to [re] introduce you to a room in our home. It’s a place where you’ve been served like royalty but consider yourself officially stripped from the crown. The room is called the kitchen and there are several sections of this kitchen that store food. The fridge stores fresh, cold, nutrient rich food. The freezer stores frozen food. The pantry is on the other side of the kitchen but don’t fret; it stores plenty of non-perishable food. There are various shelves in this pantry and the options of what you can eat is plentiful.
Good news, there’s also a designated area in the kitchen called a counter. Though this counter is small, it always offers a selection of aesthetically pleasing to the eye bite sized goodies to eat at a moment’s notice which I suspect will instantly satisfy any sweet cravings you may have. Go ahead; indulge yourself. It’s really okay; have a cookie.
And guess what? Just when you think there are no more choices, you can turn your attention to the kitchen island. On this island you will find a big white bowl. That bowl is constantly filled with fresh fruit like apples and bananas and even avocados to hedge the junk that lingers on the opposing counter. You are welcome to anything in that bowl at any time of the day or night. If you choose to ignore what’s provided in that bowl until the fruit is rotten, well that now becomes your problem not mine.
Oh, and get this… there’s a bonus. It’s highly unlikely this would happen but if on the off chance you’ve scoured every inch of the kitchen and you have still come up short in finding something to eat, feel free to march yourself into the garage and set your salivating sights on a secondary refrigerator and freezer stocked with an abundant overflow of even more food to eat and thirst-quenching liquids to drink. If you cover all these bases I have every bit of confidence you’ll figure it out and won’t starve!
Good Luck & Bon Appétit.