OXYMORONS

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… I love literary devices.  You know what I’m talking about, right?  Metaphors, similes, hyperboles, alliteration.  That stuff.  I mean, how can I not?  I’m trying to be a legit writer, so if I didn’t love all that wordy shit it would be weird.  Wouldn’t it?

It would be weird.  Wouldn’t it?  

Wait!  Whoa!  That’s alliteration!  

See how it works?!!?

Of all the lit devices, I dig oxymorons the most.  For starters, it just sounds great.  Say it.

Oxymoron. 

I like how it sounds so much that sometimes I kinda use it in my own unpolished way.  I sorta put my own unpolished twist on it.  For instance, let’s pretend I’m annoyed at someone cuz they’re being a hypocritical douche.  Instead of saying, “you’re being a hypocritical douche”  I would prefer to say, “do you realize you’re talking out of your ass right now?  It’s like you’re a human oxymoron.”

The best part about the word oxymoron, (aside from how great is sounds when you say it aloud) is that the word itself IS an oxymoron!

Oxy means denoting something sharp or acute; therefore it could not be any more contradictory than what a moron is.

Duh!

Another way I like to throw around the word oxymoron is if I’ve encountered an individual who is SUCH a first class, grade A moron that there’s just no better word in the English language to describe the person.

In other words:

You are the ELITE moron of all morons and there can’t possibly be anyone who is more moronic than you are.  You have cornered the market on moronism and so because of this, you deserve the title of the sharpest, most acute moron ever.  You truly are an OXYMoron!

When I find myself stuck with an OXYMoron but he or she happens to be quite good looking, I typically refer to them as a FOXYMoron!  You may be easy on the eyes, but trust me when I tell you my brain hurts from trying to have a conversation with you!  FOXYMorons are dumb as dirt.  I think that’s a simile.

😉

No, not a smile.  or a smirky smile.  A simile!

Occasionally I meet OXYMorons who have no idea how huge of a moron they are.  They might be full of courage and chutzpah, and they might be determined to win me over but it certainly doesn’t negate the fact that they are still ginormous morons.  Unpolishedly speaking, they are MOXIEMorons!

Can you imagine if one person embodied all three characteristics of moronicness?  We’ve got to figure out a name for that!  You need to help!  What can we call a moron who’s:

Über OXY

Über FOXY

& has

Über MOXIE

????????????????

C’mon… I’m giving you the authority to vote by proxy!