Last night Fox News Channel hosted the first Republican presidential primary debates at the Quickens Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio.
I wasn’t gonna race home for the 5pm
debacle debate, but I did make it my business to be on the couch and ready at 9pm sharp for the big, primetime shit show debate to start.
I came prepared for the unpolished
Popcorn? Check! Piño Grigio? Check! I even broke out a frozen yogurt cake I found in my freezer!
Let’s face it, there was no doubt in my mind this first debate was gonna be more like a roast on Comedy Central than a legit game of mental ping pong about issues that really matter between viable Presidential candidates. I mean, first of all Fox News was in charge and secondly, how can you take this seriously when there isn’t even a stage big enough for all the contenders to comfortably fit?
It wasn’t more than thirty seconds into the debate before the fireworks began. The Donald didn’t want to make the pledge to support the party should he not get the nomination. Nope! Not gonna do it! Let the conflict begin……….
The booing was great! For a second I kinda felt like I was watching stand-up comedy gone wrong at Caroline’s on Broadway!
If I had been producing the show, I would’ve replaced moderators Chris Wallace and Bret Baier with Roastmasters Jeffrey Ross and Kevin Hart. Of course I would keep Megyn Kelly and her Files on board because not only is she easy on the eyes, she’s also the Trump card. Literally! Donald Trump laced into her right out of the gate like only his Tourette Syndrome mouth could do! Does he have what it takes to be the next President of the United States? I plead the Fifth. But would I watch a broadcast titled: Unfiltered, Uncensored and Unpolished Live From The Pie Hole Of Donald Trump? You bet your unpolished ass I would! I’d watch that douche all day long. He “doesn’t have time for real political correctness.” “Our leaders are stupid.” That makes for great TV. I want him in this race! It’s pure comedy. It’s also pure, unpolished douchebaggery!
Rand Paul? I can’t comment on your politics because I was too busy trying to figure out what’s happening with your hair. I’m surprised one of the
Roastmasters moderators didn’t ask if your stylist was in the audience and then shout out, “YOU’RE FIRED!”
Jeb Bush? I honestly had no idea what Jeb was talking about; though it’s not his fault. His speaking turn(s) must have been around the time(s) I got up for more wine and fro yo!
Governor Chris Christie? I’m not touching your views either, but I will say you look marvelous! The diet seems to working. Maybe I should put the cake down and try it.
Josh Kasich? Um, that’s his name, right?
Ben Carson pulled in some laughs. His closing statements yielded cheers from both the crowd and the moderators and his words have been blowing up the social media circuit. “I’m the only one to separate Siamese twins, the only one to operate on babies while they’re still in their mother’s womb,” he said. “The only one to take out half a brain, although you would think if you go to Washington that someone had beat me to it.”
Hot Dawg! That’s Funny!
Dear Mister Carson. Oh wait, I mean Doctor Carson;
I gotta admit, before the debate I didn’t know who you were and I still don’t really know anything about your plan or political agenda but I do however, think you’re funny! That’s gotta count for something, doesn’t it?
Not that it matters to anyone, but Brit Hume thinks he’s funny too!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… Politics Shmolitics! I promise I’m not gonna use the blog as a platform for political propaganda. There are other blogs for that. Plus, I’m not nearly a well-versed enough pundit in the arena of hardcore politics to spew out my unpolished opinions on the incumbents. Once the playing field narrows and we know who the true contenders will be I’ll do a little digging and brush up on the important issues. For now however, while it’s still a Delusions of Grandeur comedy routine, I’m gonna keep popping the popcorn, pouring the piño and parking my unpolished posterior in the front row. I don’t wanna miss any of the show!
Sidenote: Jon Stewart, Oh how I wish you weren’t leaving us! The New York Times said it best today in the piece titled: Jon Stewart Signs Off From ‘Daily Show’ With Wit and Sincerity. If you missed the article, catch it here.