No need for an opening paragraph of nonsense. There’s enough nonsense in the body of the blog; so let’s just get to it.
Here’s Another Unpolishedly Arbitrary List Of The Latest Ridiculousness That Goes Through My Mind.
20. Posting videos on social media is a thing now; Okay I get it. You’re either selling a product or selling yourself or sharing a story or trying to be cute or whatever. Okay that’s fine I guess but why do you have to play with your hair the entire time? I’m not kidding. Go back and look at the tons of videos that come your way. Every female has her left hand pulling the hair down on the left side of her face to then repeat the process on the right side of her face with her other hand. Watch. You’ll see what I mean!
19. The second season of Atypical is now available on Netflix. It’s about a kid on the spectrum who in my opinion is pretty damn amazing. I think the sooner we realize being somewhat Atypical is much more typical for the majority of us the sooner we start accepting people for who they are and not for who they aren’t. The show is really well done and if you can get past seeing Jennifer Jason Leigh play the role of a Mom rather than Stacy Hamilton from Fast Times and not be reminded of the song “Somebody’s Baby” in the background you will love it!
18. Speaking of the 80’s, remember chain letters you got in the mail and had to immediately send a copy to twenty friends or you would single-handedly be responsible for the entire world coming to an end? Today’s version of a chain letter is when you’re asked to click on a random website to collect the zillion dollars you inherited from your long lost relative who happened to be a prince or a sheikh from the Island of Gullible. Clicking a link to rotate the handful of people who may or may not see your Facebook post is slightly more benign but yet another one. Wake up people. It’s ALL nonsense. You’re not lucky; you’re being hacked.
17. Righty Tighty. Lefty Loosey. It never fails. Ever.
16. I’m utterly fascinated by genetics. It never gets old when I see kids who are walking clones of their parents. On that note, I’m even more amazed with married couples who completely look like they once shared a womb. And on that note, I legit fall over when I see human beings who can be mistaken for their four-legged friends. I go into an automatic open mouthed face of shock and awe.
15. If someone asks if you want a piece of gum or a mint after you’ve eaten a tuna fish sandwich or have drank a cup of coffee, let it be known the only acceptable reply is, “Yes, thank you so much.” There is no other answer; it’s not a multiple choice test.
14. How come people instinctively say “Ow” when getting tickled? Screaming “Stop” at the top of your lungs is one thing, but why the “Ow?” It’s doesn’t hurt when you get tickled, it tickles. That’s the opposite of hurt.
13. Slow talkers. What is the matter with these people? Pausers are even worse. Have you ever been on the phone with someone and when it’s their turn to speak there’s a notable delay? It’s not like the conversation is extremely complex either. I’ll be like, “Hi. How are you?” And then there’s awkward silence to the point I have to say, “Hey, are you still there?” as if it’s very likely we might have gotten disconnected except we didn’t. The said pauser is still on the line in complete silence. Seriously? It took you that many seconds to think of a reply to the most basic question imaginable to the point I had to nudge you to talk? Come on Pauser, pick up the pace! I talk, then you talk. My turn. Your turn. We go back and forth.
12. Who is responsible for the placement of the cabinet that goes directly above the fridge? Was it Cinderella’s evil step sisters? I mean, this poor cabinet is doomed for a life of neglect yet dust collecting; installed for years only to be ignored and inevitably die a slow death completely alone. This cabinet has no chance of survival. It lost the battle before it even began! There’s zero easy ways to get to you even if I wanted to use you. Unless…..it’s the cabinet you keep all the ugly and useless gifts you’ve gotten from
in-laws loved ones you don’t have the heart to throw away. Yes! That’s exactly what the cabinet is for. Aha, well at least now we know. You’re welcome!
11. The creators of beach towels for children also have me perplexed. Think about it. The side of the towel featuring the kids’ design or theme is ALWAYS the softer side which is NOT the side that touches your child’s skin. The itchy, rough side is what gets wrapped around your body. What is this about? It should be made the other way around, right? Yes, of course I’m right!
10.. When did it become extra for the housekeeper to do laundry? Maybe it’s a Boca thing but I’m sorry, isn’t that in the job description? “Oh, Mrs. I no laundry. Laundry extra.”
9. So while we are on the topic, this a good time to mention I have a zero tolerance policy for laziness. No excuses. If you’re lazy you’re out. Gone. Farewell. You should live in the cabinet above the fridge!
8. How come Gentile people still get confused between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur? They always say, “Which one is it? The happy one or the one you’re not allowed to eat all day?” Why is it so hard for them to retain the info from year to year? Can you imagine if every Easter Jewish people were like, “Wait, what’s it about again? Is that the one with the eggs?”
7. Have scientists ever tested the expression, Eat Shit and Die? I’m secretly so curious to know if the outcome of eating shit is in fact, death. Are there any reported cases where an individual ate his own shit and then died? We must find out.
6. Anytime a verbal exchange between two friends, colleagues, or a parent and child ends with, “Yah, ok; good chat” you know the conversation went terribly wrong from start to finish!
5. I don’t trust anyone who prefaces their thoughts with the phrase, “If I’m being honest.”
4. I am not fluent in speaking the language of Starbucks. I’ve tried many, many times, but I am failing the course miserably and I’m not ashamed to ask for help learning the lingo. MISTO frustrated every time I try to order a fucking medium cup of coffee with some goddamn milk in it.
3. While we are on the topic of needing help, I think there really needs to be a support group for the pack of parents who are brag-a-holics. It is NOT OKAY to carry on about every single solitary thing your child has ever done, is doing or plans to do in the future. How it’s even remotely possible you don’t know this basic concept of social behavior by now boggles my unpolished brain. Bravo your child learned how to shit in the toilet instead of his pants. Mazel Tov he got on the bus without crying. Congrats he scored his first goal, hit a home run, rode a bicycle, made a touchdown, tried something new to eat, survived Middle School, went to the prom, passed driver’s ed, got into college, finished an exam before the allotted time was up, made Law Review, landed a job, married the best daughter-in-law you could possibly wish for, (give it a few years and get back to me on how much you love your daughter-in-law) had a baby, bought a house, won an award, lost fifteen pounds, parted the Red Sea, is going to help sell your home, has just booked a trip to take twenty-two people around the world, is simultaneously about to cure cancer and stop global warming and so on and so on and so on. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UPPPPPPPPP!
2. On the season premiere of Saturday Night Live Kanye West sang a new song about love being the new money. And while that might be true, I would also add laughter to the list. Nothing is better than laughter; it’s contagious. You can infect me with that disease all day every day! Sign. Me. Up.
AND JUST TO LET YOU KNOW #1 ON THE LIST……
This week the unpolished version of The Devil’s Triangle is equal parts Chocolate Peanut Butter Twinkies, Fudge Covered Twinkies and me. Oh, it’ll be a threesome alright; and there doesn’t have to be any eye contact between the two Twinkies. But rest assured I will be pinning both of them down and having my unpolished way!