We’ve heard it a million times. When it comes to aging, FORTY IS THE NEW THIRTY. When it comes to kids, THREE IS THE NEW TWO. When it comes to attraction, SMART IS THE NEW SEXY. And when it comes to Netflix, ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK!
When it comes to Silver Unpolished, I’ve got my own list of “This” Is The New “That”
1. Casual Is The New Fancy
As a child, my recollection of Saturday nights meant my Father was dressed in a jacket and tie, drinking vodka and snacking on a handful of peanuts while watching the CBS Evening News as he waited for my Mother to finish getting ready to go out for dinner. My Mom wore fancy dresses, pantyhose and designer stilettos. When it was cold enough, she’d break out the mink coat from the front closet that had her monogram embroidered in the lining.
In my world now, a Saturday night looks very different. That is, if we even have plans to leave the house in the first place since according to my husband…. STAYING IN IS THE NEW GOING OUT!
Designer stilettos aside, when we do make it out, wearing contact lenses instead of my glasses is about as dolled up as I get!
I live in Florida and I’m afraid of Pamela Anderson, so obviously I can’t wear a fur coat. Plus, I don’t even have a front closet! On the off chance the weather is breezy, I grab one of my eight dollar pashminas that I purchased at the flea market and fly out the door.
2. Staycation Is The New Vacation
Yes, vacations are fabulous! It’s fun to travel and explore new surroundings. It’s great to sleep in a hotel that has high thread count sheets and a turn down service which includes chocolate candy on the pillows. It’s awesome to use four towels for each shower and then roll them up in a ball and leave ’em in the hallway for a chamber maid to pick up. It’s phenomenal to call room service late at night and have a bottle of champagne miraculously appear in minutes simply because my wish is somebody else’s command!
But you wanna know what’s even better? Staycations!
It doesn’t happen often, so when the opportunity presents itself to ship my kids away for the night so that I can stay in my own bed in my own home I grab it! Nothing else matters when the house is clean and quiet and quiet and quiet. That’s what I call an unpolished luxury.
BIG DEAL if I have to open up the bottle(s) of champagne by myself! WHO CARES if I’ve gotta use the same damp towel for the shower! SO WHAT if I have to eat stale M&Ms instead of Godiva. Staycations are the best! You don’t lose a second of travel time and you can’t beat the price!
3. A Manny Is The New Nanny
I hit the freakin’ jackpot when we found our nanny. Becca wasn’t just a nanny. For years she was a part of our family and to say that we absolutely loved her would be a gross understatement. My children believed she could walk on water; I’m pretty sure my younger son liked her better than me. Hell, I’m pretty sure everyone liked her better than me! The day Becca moved back to the West Coast was a sad, sad day.
Then I read an article in Vogue about a Mother with three young boys whom she felt could benefit from having some masculine influence around so she hired a male nanny… A Manny! What a brilliant idea!
It’s like having the coolest, most fun camp counselor show up at your door ready, willing and able to play with your kids.
Wanna shoot hoops? No problem!
Wanna go for a bike ride? Let’s go!
Wanna order pizza and play Mario Bros? Of course!
Wanna watch college football and American Ninja Warriors for like four straight hours? Yup!
A manny wants to do all of these things! He’ll also teach your kids how to tie their own shoes without having a temper tantrum and assist them in understanding their homework without the yelling and screaming! If that’s not worth my weight in
gold silver, I don’t know what is!
There will never be another Becca. That said, having a manny to pitch in has tremendously helped to save my sanity!
4. Crazy Is The New Normal Which Is Why 3pm Is The New 5pm
Speaking of sanity, I’m gonna cut to the chase. WE’RE ALL NUTS. What drives you insane might be different from what drives me insane, but ultimately in one form or another we’ve all got our shit…. Which is why I believe Crazy Is The New Normal!
I love my kids like a fat girl loves cake, but they are definitely a contributing factor to my high level of insanity. Need an example of how they push my buttons? Ok, here you go:
I’m pretty sure he wants to give me a heart attack.
In an effort to control my craziness, I’ve implemented a plan. The plan is called, “3pm Is The New 5pm,” and that means the commencement of Happy Hour.
Some may be quick to snicker:
“Um it’s only three o’clock… On a Wednesday…. You’re drinking that wine now?”
The good news is most members of my crazy/normal crew have their clocks synchronized with mine so we’re all functioning in the same unpolished time zone! As long as you’re responsible, my philosophy is WHATEVER WORKS TO GET THROUGH THE DAY! No judgment.
4B. Weird Is The New Cool
The only people I love more than the crazy ones are the weird ones! I’ll admit at times I don’t always engage in conversation with weirdos, but I’d never miss an opportunity to sit back and observe. They fascinate me! There’s nothing boring about weird people. Give me a bench, a few cocktails and a handful of weirdos and I’ll be entertained for hours! When I get the chance to spy a person who is both crazy and weird it’s a true unpolished treat! I’m not a hundred percent sure what that says about me, except that I’m weird too! So be it.
5. Common Core Curriculum Is The New WTF Kind of Math is THAT??
Do I even have to explain the details on this one? Hope not, cuz I couldn’t explain it even if I wanted to. Nothing makes me feel dumber or more frustrated than trying to make sense of the gibberish that is standard elementary mathematics in today’s world. Just when I thought my own childhood homework scars have healed, the wounds are ripped opened up all over again! At least now you know one of the reasons why 3pm is the new 5pm!
6. Poor Is The New Rich
This isn’t anything new but it’s important enough to warrant repeating. Money doesn’t buy happiness or solve problems and unfortunately it doesn’t cure diseases. Yes, money helps to make some things easier but it’s hardly everything. I pity the people who measure success strictly by how tall they appear when they stand on their wallets. To me, the formula for success isn’t what you have, but rather what you do with what you have. I’d choose to be poor and emotionally generous over rich and greedy any day.
7. Braces In Two Phases Is The New Braces
I guess getting braces isn’t enough of a pain in the
ass mouth the first time. Apparently, now there is not one, but two phases of braces. What is that all about? I’m not an orthodontist, but this seems like a racket. “Please Dr. Orthodontist, I don’t want to only pay once for my kids’ braces. I’d like to start the treatment earlier than necessary so I can pay twice.” Really? Give me a break.
Sooooo, do you have any “THIS” Is The New “THAT” scenarios to add? If so, I’d love to hear them. Leave a comment below and share your thoughts. My own list keeps growing all the time, so keep an eye out for “THIS” Is The New “THAT” Part Two coming soon!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW….. As an unpolished reminder, my first GIVEAWAY CONTEST is still underway. Don’t forget to CLICK HERE ON “THIS” LINK and enter to win “THAT” $100.00 AMAZON GIFT CARD! The lucky winner will be selected by random drawing in a few days, so get in on the unpolished fun NOW!
9 responses to “"THIS" Is The New "THAT"”
Love it! I could not agree more with #5 and #8! Great job!!
Lve it! Great job!
I love this!!!! Everything hit home!!! i literally cracked when I saw Haddy in that picture!!!! I believe my son has also climbed up that wall a time or two!!! lol!!! You always keep it real, thats why I love you!!!!
80 is the new 40!!!
aches, pains and grey hair aside
Well done!!! But you know me, Greed is good. Your old, dlo , Dad
Sari, Number 8? You must have implemented the 9 am happy hour!!!
@RBB, it wasn’t Sari’s fault. It was mine actually. My 3pm rule must have caught up with me because I had the list numbered incorrectly. I had to fix it after I read Sari’s comment.