JUST TO LET YOU KNOW…. This week I found myself in various unpolished scenarios which left me shaking my head & saying, “That’s Annoying!”
SO IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OF OCCURRENCE OR ANNOYANCE…..
HERE’S MY “THAT’S ANNOYING” UNPOLISHED LIST:
1. Carpool Lines: Need I say more?
2. Unnecessary Loudness: By all means, feel free to do all of these things, but do them quietly. Breathing: Unless we’re in a yoga class together, I don’t need to hear you breathing from across the room; Talking: If you’re scared then scream but if you want to tell me something, don’t scream… just talk. I’m right here. Chewing gum: I’m not deaf but I might want to be if I have to keep listening to you crack that gum.
3. Masseuses That Suck: The only thing worse than knowing within the first five minutes of a ninety minute massage that your masseuse sucks is knowing that when it’s over you still have to pay for it. That’s really annoying!
4. Backhanded Compliments: Somebody said to me, “Wow! I’ve never seen you dressed up before. I barely recognized you.” I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say. “Um, Err… Thank you?”
That person was not just annoying. That person was a douche.
5. The Daughter That I Don’t Have: Listen up folks. I’m not having another baby. I’m not having my husband’s sperm spun or whatever the fuck that procedure is so we can “go for the girl.” I’m not disappointed or sad that I don’t have a daughter. What I am is annoyed by how dumb people are who keep asking if I’m sad. Seriously, you’ve been hocking me since the minute my second son was born. Stop. That‘s Annoying!
6. Hurry Up & Wait: I was raised under the principle that five minutes early is on time and on time is late. It’s engrained in my brain. I think punctuality is a form of respect so I make it my business not to be late. If anything, I’m on time to a fault and on many occasions I find myself driving around the block sixteen times because I don’t wanna be the one who always shows up first! That said and unpolishedness aside, there is nothing more annoying than having to wait on others. I’ll never understand how the manicurist gets so backed up. Out of common courtesy, I called three times because I was stuck at every red light (that’s pretty annoying too) and I didn’t want to keep her waiting; Yet when I got there she was running forty minutes behind. Are you kidding me? I called three times. Nobody thought to mention it? That’s Annoying!
I don’t care if it’s an important doctor’s appointment or an unimportant nail appointment. I don’t care if it’s a dinner reservation at the best restaurant in town or the biggest shit hole in town. I don’t even care if it’s a meeting with the goddamn President of the United States. My time is just as valuable as anyone else’s and I’m personally offended when I’m kept waiting. I’m annoyed just writing about it!
7. Handymen Who Are Anything But: If I knew the pictures you hung up on my wall were going to be crooked and fall down the next day and if I knew the toilet was still gonna run after you replaced the broken part and if I knew the outdoor patio furniture you put together was gonna collapse fifteen minutes after you left, I would have saved the money and done it myself! I’m throwing out your business card and not referring you to anyone because you’re not handy. You fucking suck and That’s Annoying!
8. Group Texts: Soooooooooo annoying!
9. Passwords: Caps lock on. No wait, caps lock off. It’s not long enough? But that’s the password I always use. Try again. Oh, I gotta add a number. Wait, do I keep the caps lock on or off? I forget. I’ll start over. Wait, it’s not letting me start over. Oh, hold on. It saved the password, but I forgot what I typed. I can’t believe I forgot what I typed. I just did it and now it’s not working. I need to reset. For security reasons I have to type the letters exactly as they appear above so the computer knows I’m a human. Really? No, I’m a fucking monkey. I’m a stupid, fucking monkey because I DID type the letters exactly as they appeared above and it’s STILL NOT WORKING! I’ve entered my Mother’s maiden name about forty-nine times. WHYYYY. Isn’t. It. Workinggggg??? Seriously, I’m about to lose it. I give up. Fuck this shit. It’s wayyyyyy too annoying!
10. Smell Ya Later: Gone are the days when my boys smelled like lavender. Gone are the days when I wanted to sniff them all day long because they smelled so delish. Gone are the days when strangers wanted to sniff them. (Actually I remember that was always annoying and weirdly odd. “Um, no you can’t smell my kid. I don’t know you. You’re a stranger.”)
As if it’s not bad enough that now after playing outside they smell like they’ve been swimming in a sewer, they now also smell like…. School. I know it sounds crazy but I honestly think the kids come home from school smelling like school. Their lunch boxes smell like school. Their stacks of paper smell like school as do their agendas and folders and math books. Their clothes also smell like school. Does this happen in your house too? I haven’t decided if it’s more annoying or more disgusting that my kids smell like a gross school. Ewww.
11. Speaking of Ewww, “Try This”: If you eat something and I can see with my own eyes that your immediate reaction looks like you’re gonna gag and then vomit, why in the world would you suggest I try it too? Sorry, but that’s annoying. I’m out!
12. Your Car Looks REEE-DICKKK-U-LISSS: Okay, I’m not sure why this bothers me so much but it just does. When did every Mom in town start using their car windows and back bumpers as a mobil
e bulletin board? Is it really necessary to drive around town with the names of your kids’ schools, camps, athletic hobbies and religious beliefs plastered everywhere? If you didn’t have stick figures of all your family members (including pets) glued to the back windshield would you forget how many people and/or animals live in your home? Is it some sort of reminder? Honestly, I need someone to explain this to me. Because it’s annoying. And because it’s also stupid!
13. Dr. OZ: Yes, he’s charming and handsome and he has his own show. Big Whoop. Doesn’t anyone think it’s a little annoying that he’s the authority on every, single medical issue ever to exist? He’s Dr. Freakin’ Know-It-All for Heart Disease, Diabetes, Obesity, Breast Cancer, The Flu, Shingles, Arthritis, Psoriasis, A.D.D., A.D.H.D., Neurological Disorders, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Anorexia, Pulmonary Embolisms, MS, Hypertension, Hyperthyroidism, Hypothyroidism, Hypoglycemia, Fibromyalgia, Chrohn’s, Colitis, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and ALS; And obviously now he’s the Go-To-Guy to answer questions regarding Ebola. Dr. Oz said not to panic over Ebola. Really? Oh, okay then. Go ahead and sneeze on me. Is that even his real name, Dr. Oz? It’s a bit omnificent, huh? How the hell does he know everything about everything? Seems fishy. It also seems annoying.
After the week I’ve had, I could easily add at least twelve more examples of That’s Annoying scenarios to this list. However, I’m trying to learn to self edit and quit while I’m ahead. I don’t want the blog to go on and on and on and on and on and on because beside that being boring, That’s Annoying!
JTLUK… Even though it was an extra unpolished week, there were some fun highlights. Keep an eye out for an upcoming blog titled, “I LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!”