Okay, so by now you all know I love yoga. Here’s the thing though… It’s like golf; By that I mean at times it can be veryyyy frustrating. You’re only as good as your last round or in this case, your last Vinyasa class. Some days you may be super focused and have a solid practice; Other days your brain may be such an unpolished clusterfuck of chaos that you could potentially be hired as the new face on a national campaign for Attention Deficit Disorders.
To give you a better understanding of the aforementioned unpolished clusterfuck of chaos, I’ve compiled a list of unpolished thoughts that go through my unpolished yogi mind while practicing yoga.
** UNPOLISHED DISCLAIMER **
If you have ADD or ADHD you might wanna up your meds before continuing this blog!
1. I’m soooo happy to be here!
2. I need the yoga to work today.
3. If it doesn’t work I’m gonna be pissed. It’ll work though.
4. Okay, set an intention. One word: FOCUS. Just focus.
5. I hope I can focus.
6. Ahhh. Child’s Pose is the best. It’d be awesome if I just laid here for the whole class.
7. Sweet! We skipped the breathing part with the elbows up and down. I can’t stand that.
8. Dancing Lion should be called Dancing Stripper.
9. I’m definitely wearing the wrong sports bra. It’ll be a miracle if my tits don’t pop out.
10. Shit! Did I turn the BBQ off last night? Shit. I don’t know if I did.
11. I’m crossing my fingers it rains later so basketball practice will be cancelled.
12. Saluting the Sun. You know, if we saluted the shade I bet less people would get skin cancer.
13. My balance sucks on this side. Why does she say we don’t have a bad side. Clearly, I do.
14. Eye gaze down. I need a pedicure.
15. What is that on my hand? Is that a new sun spot? Fucking great.
17. Stop thinking about that ugly sun spot.
18. Oooh, I love this song!
19. It reminds me of college.
20. I wonder what it would be like to take a yoga class after taking thirty bong hits.
21. Stop thinking about college.
23. I love Forehead to Knee Pose but does it really keep us younger? It didn’t keep that fucking sun spot from appearing on my hand.
24. It’s very hot in here.
25. Veryyyyy hot.
26. This room smells kinda gamey.
27. Pivot to the left and then pivot again. Reminds me of that episode from Friends when Ross was trying to get the couch up the stairs and he kept saying, “PIVOT. PIVOT.”
*Sidebar: you gotta click on the blue Pivot Pivot link above… Seriously, it’s mandatory! You can thank me later!
28. Stop laughing. PIVOT. PIVOT!
29. Stop laughing! It’s distracting to the other people in the room. FOCUS. Try to think of something sad.
30. Oh who cares if I’m laughing. It’s just yoga.
31. Water Wheel. Ughhhhhh.
32. Wide Legged Forward Fold. If the chick in front of me farts, I am so royally screwed. My mouth is practically in her ass right now.
33. I can not believe how fucking psychotic Carrie Mathison is. She was banging that poor kid and now she almost let Saul get blown up? WTF?
34. Quinn is so hot. He’s almost as hot as it is in this room.
35. The cleaning lady better change the tin foil in the toaster oven today.
36. Crow Pose. Awesome. I love Crow Pose but hate getting bruises on the back of my arms.
37. Great. Bruises on my arms AND a new sun spot on my hand. Sexy.
38. Breathe. Deeply. Deeper.
39. Breathe again.
40. If I had a daughter I would totally name her Tula, after Tula Dandasana ‘cuz it means balance. At least one of us could be balanced.
41. I wonder if Andy would like that name.
42. He probably won’t like it but you know what? When he carries the baby for nine months he can choose the name. It’s settled. Her name is so going to be Tula.
43. I’m a little annoyed he doesn’t like the name.
44. That reminds me… You know what else I’m annoyed about? He never followed through on the goddamn vasectomy.
45. If he gets me pregnant, I will FUCKING KILL HIM.
47. OMG. Can the lady behind me moan any louder?
48. Seriously… I can’t.
49. She’s like totally boning herself over there.
50. Okay, I know it’s hard but just ignore her.
51. Somebody reallllllly needs to say something.
52. Maybe I should say something. Umm, I know we’re not supposed to be all judgy and shit, but do you think you could masterbate in private?
53. I’m starvvvved.
54. Did she just tell us to tuck our bums? Our BUMS? Oh, okay Austin Powers. I’ll be sure to tuck my bum. Do I Make You Horny Baby?
55. Speaking of horny, thank god Debbie Does Dallas over there settled down.
56. Should I have the acai bowl for lunch? Is that even healthy?
57. What should I make for dinner tonight?
58. Someone should make me dinner tonight.
59. HAAAAAAAAAAA Yeah right. Like that would ever happen.
60. I wonder if anyone is on my website right now.
61. I hope so. I need advertisers. This blog is a money pit.
63. I love yoga.
64. I also lovvvve that new show The Affair on Showtime. Alison & Noah are definitely gonna get caught. Noah’s in-laws are nauseating. I’d die if my in-laws were like them.
65. Standing Bow. Pull Back. Kick Back. Reach. FOCUSSSSS.
66. Water Break. Yay!
67. Hold up. Did she just walk on my mat?
68. Ewwwww. Her sweat just dripped on me.
69. If she’s gonna drip on me, the least she can do is push on my back in Pigeon Pose.
70. Ahhhh. Don’t stop. Do. Not. Stop. Nooooooooo, don’t go!
71. She better come back and do the other side.
72. No shit I store my emotions in my hips. My hips are fucked up. Obviously.
73. Spine Twist all day long! Feels soooooo good on my lower back. Snap. Crackle. Pop louder than bubble wrap!
74. This is a good song too.
75. Wasn’t this Richard Fish’s theme song in Ally McBeal? No, wait. I think it was John Cage’s!
76. I miss that show.
77. Did Barry White die?
78. Reclining Hero Pose. Whoa, did she just say Supta Virasana keeps your uterus young?
79. See, that’s why he needs to get the vasectomy. I’m bringing it up again tonight.
80. There’s a Frog Pose? Hmm. Who knew?!
81. Stay focused.
82. I’m soaked. If I don’t shower here I know I’ll get a yeast infection.
83. Fuck. Did I bring an extra towel?
84. I can’t do Bridge Pose because I just took a sip of water. It’ll go right up my nose.
85. Why did she tell us to take a water break if she knew Bridge was next?
86. That’s weird.
87. Whatever. It’s Final Savasana. I can’t wait for the magic to happen.
88. This is the BEST. PART. EVVVVVERRR.
89. Calgon take me away.
90. Holy shit…The next class is starting? Already? What time is it? How long was I sleeping?
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… As you now can see, some days the unpolished yogi is super focused and some days she’s not! However, in my opinion the greatest thing about yoga is that no matter how off my game may be on an overly unpolished and clusterfucked filled day, I still feel absolutely OM-azing afterwards. You think Tiger Woods can say that? Doubt it.