Typically, my head spins a million miles an hour in a million different directions. Most of the time I’m able to extrapolate a single thought from my cluster fuck of a brain and write a cohesive post on that specific topic.
Today is not one of those days.
Today, my cluster fucked brain is doubly clustered; or doubly fucked depending on how you wanna interpret it!
The fleeting thoughts are popping up at record speed and I kinda want to fill you in but I’m not certain any of these unpolished thoughts have enough legs to stand on their own as a full post. That said, I’ve decided to make today’s blog an unpolished potpourri of the shit that’s been on my mind.
Let it be known, I’m fully aware that most of what (okay, all of what) I’m gonna write about today is mindless nonsense. Don’t look for a theme. Don’t look for a plot or an eight-point arc or any of those fancy writing tools that a
real struggling writer blogger is supposed to use in order to appear legit. I can’t bang out a literary masterpiece every time, so just humor me and play along. Oh and by the way, I am also fully aware that I’ve yet to bang out any masterpieces, literary or otherwise. It’s coming though. Soon. (I said, just humor me and play along.)
So masterpieces notwithstanding, here comes the smorgasbord…….
1. Friday Night Can’t Come Soon Enough: Diane Sawyer’s intimate sit-down with Bruce Jenner will air this Friday night as a two-hour 20/20 primetime special on ABC. Jenner, the American gold medalist synonymous with having been donned on a Wheaties box will open up for the first time publicly about the sitch with his gender transition. I would be the biggest liar if I said I wasn’t counting down the minutes! To be clear, obviously I’m curious to hear him speak on the matter and I applaud his courage but at the end of the day, I don’t give a rat’s ass what gender he is or isn’t. I just want shim to be happy. Further, my interest in watching this interview actually has nothing at all to do with his transition. My fascination lies in the hope that he will TELL ALL in this Tell-All so that the truth is finally uncovered. I’m dyingggggg for Bruce to admit to the fact that he absolutely can not stand a single one of the Kardashians. Then I want him to rank them in order of who he can’t stand the most! C’mon Bruce, confess! The Kardashians are the bane of your existence, right?
2. Birdman: I’m still catching up on the Oscar winners I missed. I can finally cross Birdman off my list. I love quirky films; especially when it takes a while to figure out what the hell the story is all about. I didn’t make the list for the 25 Best Movie Critics Of All Time but I gotta say I didn’t get this flick. The only thing I got was the reminder that I love Ed Norton. I plan to re-watch Primal Fear in the first free two hours I can carve out. (Carve out…Get it? Primal Fear… He slaughtered the Archbishop?…Carve out…Aha! Maybe that literary masterpiece is coming sooner than you think!)
3. The Devil Drinks Vodka: I drink scotch for a reason. That reason is pretty simple: Vodka is the devil. I recently spent a Sunday afternoon guzzling vodka infused lemonade only to spend the following day paying for it. Vodka is not my friend; nor should vodka even be my acquaintance regardless if it’s masked with lemonade and looks innocently pink. We broke up years ago. I don’t know why I thought revisiting that relationship was a good idea. It wasn’t.
4. Clock-Blocking: I cracked up the other day in yoga class when my teacher used this phrase. Allow me to explain. A person who moves the clock in the room so that no one else can see the time for the reason which I can only presume is to make the class go by faster, is called a
Cock Clock-Blocker. The verb form, which indicates the action of obstructing the time on the cock clock is referred to as Cock Clock-Blocking. It’s brilliant; and unpolished. It’s brilliantly unpolished. It needs to be submitted to the Urban Dictionary, like NOW! Oh relax. You’ve never said the word cock before? Lighten up!
5. Silver Unpolished. The Brand: My unpolished brain might be jumbled with a bunch of bullshit but it is also always thinking about how this lil’ ol blog of mine is gonna bring in the benjamins. I never get sick of the emails and texts inquiring about the sweatpants and the visors and of course the tanks, tees and shot glasses. I have another big order placed and it’ll be ready for distribution (a.k.a. will be ready FOR SALE) very soon, so hang on! There’ll be plenty of unpolished swag for everybody and every body! (There I go again with the literary jabs!)
6. Summer Is Almost Here And Timing Is Everything: After finally ponying up and paying the balance on the enormous camp tuition that had been hanging over my head for months, one of my kids decided to announce that he doesn’t want to go.
“HAAAAA. That’s hilarious, buddy. I hope your joking ‘cuz the check just cleared and your ass is getting on that plane.”
I seriously think he does it just to torture me but there’s no way I’m getting suckered into making any first summer faux pas like last year!
“Sorry, little man! When the kids’ are away, the unpolished parents will play. See ya in July on Visiting Day!”
7. Inside Amy Schumer: She totally deserves a full blog post, but for now she’s only getting potpourri number seven. She’s hilarious. She’s provocative. She takes the whole prettywittygritty shtick to a completely new unpolished level. I would love to get stuck in an elevator with her. Or sit next to her on an airplane. Or pick up her dry-cleaning. Or just stalk her. You know who I’m talking about right? Amy Schumer? Comedy Central? Watch her. You won’t be sorry.
8. The No-Message Message: Remember my blog titled, This Is The New That? I think I have something else to add to that list. But first, I need some help. The other day I finally caught up with a friend and she said,
“I called you last week. You never called me back.”
“Oh, you did?” I said. “I didn’t get the message.”
She rebutted with, “I didn’t leave one.”
So I ask you this: Is calling someone but not leaving a message the new way people leave a message? Sure, I’ll admit sometimes I do see the missed call after the fact. And sure, sometimes I do call back; but sometimes I don’t. Am I on the hook for returning that call? What she wanted to discuss in the first place could not possibly have been so crucial if she didn’t even bother to leave a message. Right? Look, it can be tough enough interpreting the real meaning of what a person is trying to say via text; now I gotta interpret a voice message that doesn’t exist? Give me a break.
On the contrary, when I make a call and get sent to voicemail, I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot! I leave a quick message, say what I need to say and hang up. Done. End of story!
9. The B Is Back: Yep, Bethenny Frankel is back on the RHONYC. I’m conflicted about this. Props for hustling her ass off and making a katrillion million dollars. Demerits for being bat shit bananas. (Now not so) poor Jason Hoppy. He shoulda listened to me when I told him it would NEVERRRRR last! She certainly can handle her own but it seems as though wherever she goes, controversy follows. Plus, her voice grates on my last nerve. Do you think she’s ever been told to just shut the fuck up? She’s big on memos. Someone should send her a memo. Immediately.
10. A Dog With A Blog: I’m shaking my head with this one. My kids informed me that the Disney Channel has a show titled, A Dog With A Blog. They told me I should watch it because like the dog, I too have a blog. More convinced they were pulling my leg rather than telling the truth, I called them out on it and asked to watch the show with them. As (bad) luck would have it, the show exists! Two parents, three kids and a goddamn talking dog that blogs. I’m busting my ass to make a buck while there’s a dog named Stan who has his own TV show. Seriously? Make it stop.
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW…… I thought I had an idea how this post was gonna end but when I got to
my satellite office Starbucks this afternoon to click the publish button something wild happened. Forget that I ran into six people I knew and spent twenty-five minutes chatting instead of writing, but then the seventy-year-old man sitting at the next table turned my way and struck up a conversation.
“You a writer?” He said. “Or are you running for mayor? I’m a storyteller. I have a good story. You wanna write my memoir?”
“What? Um, WHAT?” I confusingly replied.
Then he began spewing out drips and drabs of his previous unpolished life. He’s retired now. Lives on the straight and narrow, so says he. We covered a lot. By we, I mean he. He did the talking. I did the listening. When I finally interrupted him to ask a question or twelve, he leaned in and told me to keep my voice down.
“What. Is. Happening. Here?” I said to myself.
I started looking over my shoulder as he went on and on about some shall we say, very unpolished stuff.
Mister, I just write a snarky online blog that I’m pretty sure no one even reads. Are you allowed to be telling me this shit? And am I allowed to relay it to my readers? This is the grit I wanna be writing about. They would be in shock! I regret asking that last question because he told me for now, not to discuss the details. Notably disappointed but not wanting to end up swimming with the fishes, I had no choice but to agree. As I packed up my computer glancing at the clock, I realized there was a name for this guy. He was a Shock-Blocker! He’s shock-blocking his own story!
A to the Z to the Unpolished Potpourri….If that’s not a cluster of craziness I don’t know what is!