That’s what the losers say, right? The ones who don’t win. “Oh it’s okay. Really. I’m good. It’s fine. Honestly yes, I’m okay. I’m totally and completey cool about it. It’s an honor just to be nominated.”
WHAT A LOAD OF UNPOLISHED BULLSHIT!
How great would it be if the loser said out loud what the loser was saying to herself and then she outwardly threw thee most unpolished temper tantrum ever to be thrown?
“Fucking-A-FUCKK FUCKK FUCKK FUCKK. I can’t believe I lost. I reallllllllllly wanted to win. I needed to win that award. Second place? Screw that. Second is for suckers….. Nobody wants second.”
The other morning when I turned on my computer I got the email about the 2015 Bloglovin’ Awards. You’re probably like, WTF is that? In the blogger world, The Bloglovin’ Awards are like the Academy Awards. It’s a big deal. I think.
So I started to scroll down the list and check out the main categories. For a split second of a split second of half of a split second I actually imagined seeing my blog as one of the nominees. For an unpolished millisecond I believed I had a shot. I thought I mighta been a contender.
Fine, so my name wasn’t there. I’m good. Honestly yes, I’m okay. It’s an honor just to…. Oh wait! Just to what? Just to get the email?
Then I started unpolishedly brainstorming. How can I win one of these awards? And then it hit me! I totally could have gotten nominated if they had broadened the categories. Like, what if they gave out a Bloglovin’ Award to the Blogger with the LEAST AMOUNT OF FOLLOWERS! I think I’d win that award. Or what if they gave out an extra award to the Blogger who kinda has the followers but those followers don’t bother to read the posts. You know, the ones who DON’T CLICK THE LINK! I’d kill it in that category!
You know what other category I could definitely take the prize in? Blogger with LEAST AMOUNT OF LIKES and/or SHARES. It’d be a blowout for Silver Unpolished once I also scored the win in the Bloglovin’ category of Blogger with the MOST AMOUNT OF UNSUBSCRIBERS!
And the winner with the most amount of followers who then got bored, lost interest and decided to unsubscribe goes to…… SILVER UNPOLISHED.
OMG. It would be an unpolished landslide! I’m gonna need help carrying my trophies to the car.
I’ll tell you what other category I bet I’d win. Blogger with the HIGHEST NUMBER OF CLOSET READERS. You know about the closet readers, right? The lurkers who read the blog on a fairly consistent basis but won’t outwardly admit to it. The closet readers send text messages and/or private emails commenting on the content of the blog. They’ll sometimes compliment, sometimes criticize, sometimes they’ll even crack up. BUT THEY WON’T COMMENT PUBLICLY!
YES!!! That’s the category I can absolutely win hands down! I’d be a shoe in! No contest!
And the winner for having the most readers who won’t admit to being a reader which in turn makes it really difficult to show advertisers how many people are actually engaged in the blog goes to……………………. SILVER UNPOLISHED.
And finally, how about a category for “ALL AROUND BEST OF THE WORST.” A category rewarding the blogger who comes in dead last. A Bloglovin’ Award for simply sucking at it the most!
Congratulations! We’ve made it to the end of the show folks. There’s only one category left. The final award of the evening is a special one indeed. It takes a specific blogger with a specific set of skills to achieve this Bloglovin’ accolade. It’s the award for the ABSOLUTE WORST BLOGGER OF THE YEAR whose blogging sucks the very, very, very most! Our accountants have checked, rechecked and tripled checked the results for accuracy. And the recipient of this prestigious award goes to none other than………………..
Oh My God! I can win this category! The Best of the Worst category MUST be added to the program this awards season! I already know what I’ll wear when I step onto that stage. I’ve been tweaking my “I’d like to thank the Academy” speech for years!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW….“Mirror Mirror On The Wall Thank You For Choosing Me As The Worst Of All. It means so much to be recognized by the Bloglovin’ Academy for how much I truly suck. From the bottom of my unpolished heart, I thank you for supporting the blog and me. You see, this blog IS me; we are one and the same. I am my
beloved blog and my beloved blog is mine. That said, I’m humbled to be among the other bloggers who also truly suck but whom I guess suck a tiny bit less than I. Right now I’m oozing with so much unpolishedness I can barely breathe! Is it an honor just to be nominated? Yes, I suppose it is. But I gotta admit, standing up here accepting this award for “The Overall Worst Blogger Of The Year Who Ultimately Sucks The Most” certainly doesn’t suck at all right now! It feels great! OHHH NOOO! The teleprompter is telling me to wrap it up. Okay, wow! Five seconds. Okay, hurry! To my Unpolished peeps….. I couldn’t have done it alone! A huge, huge, huge thanks to each one of you. I will do everything in my unpolished power to keep making you proud. I’ll continue to do whatever it takes to ‘suck at it the best’ so I can win at being the worst!”
photo credit: firstname.lastname@example.org