My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
Ooooooooo-ohhh, my Corona.
Ooooooooo-ohhh, my Corona.
Ooooooooo-ohhh, my Corona.
Who knew the Knack’s 1979 hit would make such a revival? I’ll tell you who knew, The WHO. The World Health Organization knew; that’s who!
I can’t be the only one who’s got this song on a constant brain loop without needing “Weird Al” Yankovic to spoof the lyrics for me, am I? There’s no way. I know I’m not that clever. Well, actually I might be after my line about The WHO. Thanks folks, I’m here all night.
Okay, let’s just break it down quickly before my laptop gets cancelled. We don’t need anyone to remind us life as we know it is now cancelled, but Amy Schumer’s schtick on Instagram is pretty funny so check it out before Wi-Fi and the entire Internet gets cancelled too. Wait, can that actually happen? Can they cancel the Internet? And who’s ‘they’ anyway? The WHO? Ok, I’ll stop now.
I love the Dude With Sign Guy in New York City. I’ve tweaked one of his recent signs to keep up with the cancellations.
So yeah, life is cancelled. If you’re unsure if something is still happening or if it’s cancelled, assume it’s cancelled because well, it is. Not some of it. Not part of it. All of it. It’s all cancelled. I can picture Jerry Seinfeld waving his hands in the air and whining/screaming it now, “CANCELLED! IT’S ALLLL CANCELLED!”
Except for one thing. The jury is still out on the one thing that really, really, really matters. Sleep-away camp. I’m praying to the unpolished Gods we’ve got this thing under control by summer and the world will be back to business as usual because Camp. Simply. Cannot. Be. Cancelled. Parents near and far will DIE from far worse side effects than that of the vastly spreading, highly contagious, life threatening Coronavirus if camp is cancelled. Raise your hands if you just broke out in a sweat at the mere thought of camp cancellation. Heart palps? Fever? We don’t need a test kit; we need our summer saved! I can picture Jerry Seinfeld waving his hands in the air whining/screaming it now, “CAMP CAN’T BE CANCELLED! SAVVVVE OUR SUMMMMERRR!”
So now that we’ve got cancellations out of our way, let’s move on.
Speaking of out of our way, it’s the perfect segue to talk about the hot, new buzz word and top trending hashtag phrase of the COVID-19 saga: #SocialDistancing. I’m not sure why there’s so many people up in arms about social distancing when for years you’ve all been trying to fine tune your best “Oh my God, I think that’s Sarah over by the deli counter; I better keep my head down, AirPods in, and do whatever it takes to dodge her. I’m just not in the mood to say hello.” Ladies and gentlemen, due to the current and unprecedented state of affairs we are in, wishes do come true. The CDC strongly advises to not engage with others. It’s crucial; could be a matter of life and death. So it’s pretty simple, if you break the rules, you’re liable to get the disease and then you might die. Social distancing should be considered the most graciously unpolished gift there ever was to be without having to write a thank you note. Come on folks, do your part and help flatten the curve! You didn’t want to talk to anyone anyway.
We must now address the other thing that’s left me perplexed. Who can explain the mass hysteria about the toilet paper? Pandemonium has erupted in the most irrational of ways. I should be so lucky to shit on such a regular basis that the worry of running out of toilet paper would be of real concern. If only!
Clearly there is still so much we don’t know about this global pandemic. The uncertainty is high. That said, we must focus on what we do know and be confident in the prudent safety measures that have been set forth by many corporations. For instance, Florida Power & Light has sent an email ensuring we know about their strong track record relative to delivering clean, affordable and reliable energy that their customers expect. I’m so grateful they are committed to keeping the energy they provide clean as opposed to taking the lazy route and providing what, dirty energy? Will my monthly electric bill be cheaper if I opt for the plan having strains of the Coronavirus seeping through the vents of my air conditioner? I am also incredibly relieved Victoria’s Secret has made the decision “as a precautionary measure due to the intimate nature of our traditional bra fit experience, we have transitioned to a verbal approach that will still promise you a great fit.” I’d say the idea of a ‘verbal approach’ warrants a round of applause!That’s surely a secret worth letting the
cat out of the bag boobs out of the bra about. And if that’s not Coronavirus friendly enough, there’s always the hope Pornhub will do for Americans what they’ve already done for Italians, and allow users to access premium content without having to provide credit card information.
Halle-f*ck’g-lujah!!!!!! Pun totally intended.
Suffice to say, we’re in unchartered [Coronavirus infected] waters. The chop is rough and the storm is real; but this too shall eventually pass and gray skies are gonna clear up. In the meanwhile, lay low. Make smart choices. Spend quality time with your loved ones. And above all, remember to wash your hands; especially after watching free premium porn!
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW… With the Jewish holiday of Passover only weeks away, there’s now no need to leave your door slightly open. Due to social distancing, we’ve been informed Elijah’s not coming. He’s stuck in Italy with a dangerously low supply of toilet paper. He’s been using it all to wipe up from the many, many, many hours of free premium porn after he received an email from the Pharaoh which stated the Seder has been cancelled.